Tic Tac Titties
After work the other night, I went over to my friend Jake's house and we got stoned.
Then we went to see 10,000 B.C.
It was, as you might imagine, a gigantic piece of shit. But truth be told, we weren't expecting much. He just wanted to see bouncing, pre-historic titties in leopard bikinis and I didn't want to be in his stinky, bachelor pad cliché apartment where, earlier, he'd made straight-from-the box-just-add-hamburger-tacos.
And since we saw it at the Court Street Stadium, we barely heard anything.
The Court Street Stadium is one of those movies theaters where patrons seem to believe that if they yell loudly enough at the screen, the resultant noise will actually affect the plot line.
If you don't believe me, ask some helpful reviewers over at Citysearch:
Patrons can't control themselves. Once a patron yells something at a critical moment and some of the audience laughs, you know you are in for an evening of it...
Speechless. this is not a theatre, but some sort of holding pen for unattended children and their kids. this place is a disaster.
...A guy literally answered his cell phone during the movie, told his caller that he was at a movie...and CONTINUED TO HAVE A COVERSATION. "Yeah, what's up?" "Oh just at the movies." "Whatchu doin'?". Also, people talking throughout the film, making comments like hyper-active 5 year olds. "Ooooh"ing when there is any type of violence or sexual content on the screen.
UA Court Street has the rudest moviegoers in all of NYC!! Screaming babies, loud talking, cell phones ringing...
...some of the worst movie crowds I've ever sat with. People talking on their cell phones, people talking and laughing throughout the movie, screaming kids, crying babies. You name it and this theatre got it. Don't even waste your time going to an usher to complain, because they act like they could care less and if you ask to speak to a manager...good luck. They're always too busy or not around. One of the few times, I did get to speak to a manager, she got an attitude with me and some other customers because we complained about the way the theatre was being runned.
For some reason, though, I like the way it's "runned." Maybe because I know that when I see a movie at the Court Street Stadium, the audience pretty much acts as a secondary character.
A few years ago, in fact, Jake and I went to see Freddy Vs. Jason there. Not for the movie. But for the talk-back.
"Bitch better not be going into that room! Is that crazy cooch blind? He's right behind the curtain! Bitch is gonna get cut, yo! Run, bitch! Run!"
The shittier the movie, it seems, the better the talk-back.
And usually, somewhere around the half hour mark, the insults, invectives, and racial/sexual slurs being hurled at the screen by patrons begin being hurled at one another.
And that's when the real entertainment begins.
"Bitch, shut your motherfuckin' trap!" came the angry yell when someone protested that the bitch on-screen was motherfucking hot and they better stop calling her Tic Tac Titties. "I'll come over there and cut you! I'll cut your saggy, peanut butter cup titties right off your motherfuckin' ass!"
The above, by the way, was offered up by a chick. The women usually get much, much spicier than the men. Maybe they feel okay about threatening other women with the violent mutilation of titties, pussy lips, and clits, seeing as they have those things themselves.
Jake's always a little horrified when it reaches, or rather dips, to that nadir. He's even more horrified at how much it makes me cackle.
"It's sort of not funny at that point," he said once. "Jesus. It's like, I'm not a big, PC pussy but that kind of shit makes me cringe a little."
"I guess it'd be different if it were guys yelling it," I replied. "Yeah, if it were guys yelling that kind of shit, I don't think I'd think it was funny. But God. That woman yelling at the other one to shove the Twizzlers up her twat. That killed me."
Just repeating it made me start screaming with laughter again.
That said, talk-back in movie theaters doesn't always do it for me. Especially when it's a kinder, gentler film, as opposed to a popcorn movie. Sometimes, it's actually important to hear what the actors are saying instead of the stupid fuck behind you asking their companion for the fourth time in less than ten minutes Who's That Guy Again; or the shitbag in front of you wrestling with a cellophane wrapper during the quietest part of the dialogue; or the colicky baby someone thought would enjoy a midnight showing of 28 Days Later.
I swear to God, I think this should be required viewing before the main feature in every movie theater in America. For real.
P.S. Once the death metal kicks in, I lose my shit.
Then we went to see 10,000 B.C.
It was, as you might imagine, a gigantic piece of shit. But truth be told, we weren't expecting much. He just wanted to see bouncing, pre-historic titties in leopard bikinis and I didn't want to be in his stinky, bachelor pad cliché apartment where, earlier, he'd made straight-from-the box-just-add-hamburger-tacos.
And since we saw it at the Court Street Stadium, we barely heard anything.
The Court Street Stadium is one of those movies theaters where patrons seem to believe that if they yell loudly enough at the screen, the resultant noise will actually affect the plot line.
If you don't believe me, ask some helpful reviewers over at Citysearch:
Patrons can't control themselves. Once a patron yells something at a critical moment and some of the audience laughs, you know you are in for an evening of it...
Speechless. this is not a theatre, but some sort of holding pen for unattended children and their kids. this place is a disaster.
...A guy literally answered his cell phone during the movie, told his caller that he was at a movie...and CONTINUED TO HAVE A COVERSATION. "Yeah, what's up?" "Oh just at the movies." "Whatchu doin'?". Also, people talking throughout the film, making comments like hyper-active 5 year olds. "Ooooh"ing when there is any type of violence or sexual content on the screen.
UA Court Street has the rudest moviegoers in all of NYC!! Screaming babies, loud talking, cell phones ringing...
...some of the worst movie crowds I've ever sat with. People talking on their cell phones, people talking and laughing throughout the movie, screaming kids, crying babies. You name it and this theatre got it. Don't even waste your time going to an usher to complain, because they act like they could care less and if you ask to speak to a manager...good luck. They're always too busy or not around. One of the few times, I did get to speak to a manager, she got an attitude with me and some other customers because we complained about the way the theatre was being runned.
For some reason, though, I like the way it's "runned." Maybe because I know that when I see a movie at the Court Street Stadium, the audience pretty much acts as a secondary character.
A few years ago, in fact, Jake and I went to see Freddy Vs. Jason there. Not for the movie. But for the talk-back.
"Bitch better not be going into that room! Is that crazy cooch blind? He's right behind the curtain! Bitch is gonna get cut, yo! Run, bitch! Run!"
The shittier the movie, it seems, the better the talk-back.
And usually, somewhere around the half hour mark, the insults, invectives, and racial/sexual slurs being hurled at the screen by patrons begin being hurled at one another.
And that's when the real entertainment begins.
"Bitch, shut your motherfuckin' trap!" came the angry yell when someone protested that the bitch on-screen was motherfucking hot and they better stop calling her Tic Tac Titties. "I'll come over there and cut you! I'll cut your saggy, peanut butter cup titties right off your motherfuckin' ass!"
The above, by the way, was offered up by a chick. The women usually get much, much spicier than the men. Maybe they feel okay about threatening other women with the violent mutilation of titties, pussy lips, and clits, seeing as they have those things themselves.
Jake's always a little horrified when it reaches, or rather dips, to that nadir. He's even more horrified at how much it makes me cackle.
"It's sort of not funny at that point," he said once. "Jesus. It's like, I'm not a big, PC pussy but that kind of shit makes me cringe a little."
"I guess it'd be different if it were guys yelling it," I replied. "Yeah, if it were guys yelling that kind of shit, I don't think I'd think it was funny. But God. That woman yelling at the other one to shove the Twizzlers up her twat. That killed me."
Just repeating it made me start screaming with laughter again.
That said, talk-back in movie theaters doesn't always do it for me. Especially when it's a kinder, gentler film, as opposed to a popcorn movie. Sometimes, it's actually important to hear what the actors are saying instead of the stupid fuck behind you asking their companion for the fourth time in less than ten minutes Who's That Guy Again; or the shitbag in front of you wrestling with a cellophane wrapper during the quietest part of the dialogue; or the colicky baby someone thought would enjoy a midnight showing of 28 Days Later.
I swear to God, I think this should be required viewing before the main feature in every movie theater in America. For real.
P.S. Once the death metal kicks in, I lose my shit.

